Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Jokes about Nuns

Yes, that's right. I want to hear jokes about Nuns, armed or otherwise.
Anyone know any good ones? Here's one to start the mirth.
Q: What goes black white black white?
A: Nuns rolling down a hill.

15 comments:

Dragon said...

I only know* rude ones.

*I say know - I remember the punchline but not the beginning. Jokes and me don't play well together. Unless it's about prawns.

John Soanes said...

As Dragon points out, Nun jokes tend to be rude... are you accepting rude submissions?
J

Piers said...

Two nuns in a bath.

One says "Where's the soap."

The other one says "Yes, it does, doesn't it."

Ithankyew.

Elinor said...

Dragon and John, it was rude ones I was hoping for actually. let's save the prawn jokes for another posting.

Piers, WTF?

Dragon said...

Ok.

Q. What's the definition of suspicion?

A. A nun doing press ups in a cucumber patch.

Dragon said...

When nuns go to heaven, they pass through a special gate and St Peter hears one last confession. One day, four nuns are at the gate.

St Peter says to the first "Sister, during your life, did you ever touch a penis?" "Yes," she replies, "I once touched one with the tip of my finger." St Peter blesses her and says "Dip your finger into this holy water and you may through the gates."

St Peter says to the second "Sister, during your life, did you ever touch a penis?" "Yes," she replies, "I once held one in my right hand." St Peter blesses her and says "Wash your hand in this holy water and you may through the gates."

St Peter turns to the third nun and is about to speak when the fourth barges in front. "What are you doing, sister?" he asks.

"Well if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water then I'm going to do it before Sister Mary Francis sticks her arse in it!"

Elinor said...

Excellent!

John Soanes said...

Oh, well, if filth is acceptable, here are two which are oddly similar in the set-up...

Two elderly nuns were walking down the street when a flasher jumped out from behind a tree. The elder nun had a stroke. The other one wouldn't touch it.

(This second joke only works when read aloud, really)
Two Nuns were walking through the churchyard at night when Dracula jumped out from behind a gravestone.
"Quick, Sister Mary!" said one. "Show him your cross!"
"I will!" replied the other, and then, turning to Dracula: "Oi! Vampire! Bugger off!"

Thank you, laygennelmen. I'm here all week.

J

Elinor said...

Thank you John, those made me laugh. Do you get Piers' joke?

Chip Smith said...

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

A roaming catholic!

I'll get me coat...

John Soanes said...

I think Piers's joke is a homonym thing, isn't it? 'Wears the soap'?
J

Elinor said...

I still don't get it! Piers, where are you? Explain it to me!

Chip, I like it. Put your coat back.

Far away said...

I don't get it either

John Soanes said...

My so-called explanation didn't help at all, probably because I probably meant 'homophone' as opposed to 'homonym'. Duh.

Anyway, as Piers appears to be elsewhere, I'll try to strip away any last vestige of fun in the joke by explaining: the joke, said aloud, plays on the expectation that one of the bath-sharing nuns has momentarily mislaid the soap - hence, 'where's the soap?' appears to be the interpretation of that line.

But no, the latter nun's response makes us realise that the phrase was in fact 'wears the soap', less questioning and more statement, and from that we are to derive that the sexually-deprived nuns are using the bar of soap as a means of self-gratification. Our expectations, as Richard Herring would say, were confounded, and from thence the humour arose.

Later on in the show, I'll be reducing a chocolate cake to its constituent parts, and wondering why they don't taste so good… which is to say: sorry Piers, I think I might have broken your gag!

J

Elinor said...

Thank you John! Mystery solved and humour destroyed! My work here is done...